Believing in a Dream

The biggest lesson I learned after graduating college is to always believe in myself.  Throughout my entire life, I’ve considered myself a hard-working person.  In high school, I always took high-level coursework (AP, honors, etc).  Back then, the goal was to get into a great college.  In college, the goal was to get a good job.  

But back then, my focus was very straightforward.  I guess I had what you could call tunnel vision.  My goal not only included a job, but to have a very glamorous job as a writer for a magazine, to live in NYC, to be that girl I used to watch in movies.  You know, the super chic fashionista who had a magnificent loft apartment above Central Park, dated the guy on Wall Street, attended swanky parties where I would rub elbows with celebrities.  Typing these sentences now, I realize that dream was completely ridiculous.  And deep down, I would have taken a much more modest version of it.  I really just wanted to be a city girl, to make it in the Big Apple (like my old pal Frankie used to sing about when the Yankees won a home game).  

Here’s the real story.  I went to college in the city, the Bronx actually.  It was a fantastic experience.  I grew up, that’s for sure.  I learned a lot– about myself and about the world.  I even stayed for an extra year to get my Master’s, and I kind of, sort of lived my dream.  I had an apartment in Manhattan and had a job in Midtown.  But let me be completely honest.  It was NOT glamorous.  My apartment, while lovely and shared with one of my best friends, was in Washington Heights.  I loved my neighborhood, but it certainly wasn’t anywhere near Central Park.  In fact it was so far at the tip of Manhattan that I was practically in the Bronx, and since the front door to my building was literally within walking distance of the GW Bridge, I was overlooking my home state of Jersey.  Oh and my job in Midtown was actually at the other campus of my school, working for the catering department.  It was a good work experience and I loved my co-workers, but it hardly (read: did NOT) pay the bills.  On top of that, I was a full-time graduate student, pursuing a Master’s degree in one year.  I had no down time, no money and no boyfriend who worked on Wall Street.  

The harsh reality was that my dream was based on a Hollywood story, which was never possible for me.  I’m sure I could’ve busted my butt even more, I truly could have pushed harder.  But when I reflected on things, it wasn’t actually what I wanted for my life.  The sad part was that I didn’t admit this fact until I had moved home and allowed myself to dream a new dream.  The truth: I felt like a failure.  I told myself when I went to college in the city that I was never coming back.  I WAS a city girl.  That was the life I wanted.  So, when it didn’t work out (even if I didn’t really want that life anymore), I just felt like I had let myself down.  I was depressed.  I felt lost.  And I felt alone, even though I had a loving family who wanted me to come home and an incredible number of friends who didn’t give a damn what chaos my life was in.  Yet, I harped on my situation for weeks.  Yeah, I went to a good school.  Yeah, I graduated, with honors, with a Master’s in 5 years.  Yeah, I still had my whole life ahead of me.  But that dream was still not accomplished, and I couldn’t let that go.

Until I realized I needed a new dream.  I knew that I was welcomed at home for as long as I needed.  But I wanted to be independent.  I love my parents, but I just couldn’t live under their roof forever.  So I did something about it.  Luckily, when I first moved home, I was able to secure a temp job at an office I had interned at over the summer.  It wasn’t in my field, and trust me, it was boring and didn’t challenge me, but it was experience and a paycheck.  I decided to make it work for me.  I completed my assigned tasks quickly and efficiently and then asked for work above and beyond, work that fit in my field.  I told them I was interested in writing and communications work, and I would take whatever projects they would give me.  They happily obliged.  I put it on my resume.  At the same time, I was working part time at a bridal shop.  Again, it wasn’t something that I necessarily saw myself doing, but my cousin worked there and I told her I would love to have some extra cash.  They hired me for weekends and weeknights.  It helped build my savings and then led to another opportunity for my career.  The business was expanding and they needed an office manager.  I took the opportunity, and again, added work that was relevant for the job I wanted.  I managed theirsocial media, started a blog, updated their website and did some PR and advertising.  It was a lot of work and I still wasn’t getting paid a whole lot, but the experience was exactly what I needed.

From there things seemed to fall into place.  I’m not saying it was easy or that things just happened for me.  Not at all.  But I continued to work really hard, and more importantly, I continued to believe in myself.  And as I grew to believe in myself, my dreams grew with me.  I landed a wonderful job at a nonprofit– in my field!  I continued to live at home and saved money for about year.  Then I bought a condo and moved out on my own.  Then I built myself up in my career, taking opportunities, learning from others, building my portfolio and after only two years, I got a promotion.  These things weren’t easy, but they were right for me.  I developed new dreams, attainable dreams, and I did everything I could to achieve them.

This post was not meant to cry about my perceived failures or brag about my accomplishments.  I hope instead to share my journey to let other working women know that you can always build new dreams– as long as you believe in yourself.  I’m sure a lot of girls go to college with notions of high-class jobs and extravagant lifestyles.  We see it in the movies and media all the time.  But at the end of the day, you have to do what’s best for you.  If that’s really, really what you want you can have that.  But as we grow up, it becomes less attractive to be rich and famous and much more attractive to just be ourselves.  You are amazing.  You can do anything.  You can achieve your dreams.  It’s not simple, and it’s not easy but it’s possible.  Just remember that.